Apple Overload and Zune Confusion

I’m tired of reading about Apple’s ho-hum iTV announcement. And the Microsoft Zune strategy is incomprehensible. I don’t want the new PG-13 Microsoft that everyone likes. I want the old, evil, R-rated Microsoft you’re not sure you like.

The amount of ink spilled about the (AAPL) and Microsoft (MSFT) Zune announcements earlier this week was nauseating. The WSJ has the best summary. If you can take more, read on.

First impression of the Apple iTV media extender- what marketing guy cooked up the term ‘near-DVD’ quality? What does that mean?

If I am going to go through the trouble of buying and provisioning a media extender for my TV, it better do HD. The venn diagram of people who will go through the trouble to install a media extender and don’t care about picture quality is a null set.

Both the Xbox 360 and the new Tivo series 3 can do HDTV. Once Microsoft decides to do movie and TV downloads through the Xbox Live service to the embedded hard drives of XBOX 360’s (which, by the way, only cost $100 more than the Apple media extender), why would anyone want the Apple service? It’s about being able to access your media in a platform independent way, and Microsoft should have the upper hand here, given they control more platforms than anyone.

OK, I’ve got my Vista PC, and the bundled Windows Media Player 11, I have my URGE music subscription service, I have my Xbox 360 which can serve as a media extender, and I have my Xbox Live subscription. Great! Now, I can buy a Zune, and it interfaces via wifi with my Xbox and my Vista PC and my URGE service so I can go mobile. Right? Wrong.

It appears Zune is YET ANOTHER independent brand from Microsoft. Rather than concentrate their firepower on a few brands, like Xbox and Media Player, and leverage those users into Music, Microsoft has chosen to spawn a new software portal called “Zune Marketplace” where Microsoft points can be spent to buy music (what are these? Are they the same as Xbox credits? Why not?). What happened to Windows Media Player? The URGE online service? The millions of Xbox LIVE subscribers? Why start from scratch? Raise your hand if you are confused too.

An in depth interview with J. Allard serves only to obfuscate what the strategy is here.

I confess to previously being excited about the Zune. I anticipated a strategy to use the multiple ubiquitous Microsoft platforms to gain leverage in the mobile platform. I figured the same move was inevitable with the Xbox.

Microsoft used to be able to make moves like this without effort and has a decent rap sheet with regulatory agencies to prove it.

I don’t know where this leaves us. I do know one thing. I want the evil, menacing monopoly Microsoft back. Microsoft used to be so money. Microsoft used to be the Big Bear with the Big Claws. Now, it reminds me of Mike, the depressed loser from Swingers…

TRENT (to Mike): You’re so money, you don’t even know it.

MIKE: Please, don’t mess with me right now…

TRENT: We’re not messing with you…

TRENT: You’re like this big bear with claws and fangs…

SUE: … and big f*ckin’ teeth…

TRENT: … and teeth… And she’s like this little bunny cowering in the corner…

SUE: …shivering…

TRENT: … And you’re just looking at your claws like “How do I kill this bunny?”…

SUE: …You’re just poking at it…

TRENT: … Yeah. You’re just gently batting it around… and the rabbit’s all scared…

SUE: … and you got big claws and fangs…

TRENT: … and fangs… and you’re like “I don’t know what to do. How do I kill this bunny?” With *this* you don’t know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?

SUE: … you’re like a big bear.

TRENT (pulling him aside, dead serious) Now when you talk to her, I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie that everyone’s pulling for. I want you to be the guy in the rated R movie who you’re not sure if you like.

-Swingers (1995)

I want the R rated Microsoft to come back.

And Brown? Am I only one that thinks the Brown Zune is fugly?

I am long Microsoft.